It's mainly one reason: from being mad. I can finally justify that's the reason why I have been crazy all these years. The reason why I haven't gone to jail for killing someone or being disruptive in public is because my subconscious likes to be positive. If I don't have that peacefulness underneath my core then I get depressed and feel lost. From taking a personality test, it's something I was just born with.
I was just born with wanting to be nice and also having great relationships with everybody. This isn't how the real world is. Some want to just do selfish things because maybe they think there's really no other option or just think it's something to feel proud about accomplishing. I'm now noticing that my brain likes to think about stuff that I have been struggling with while working on things that I'm not too fond of. It must be some sort of defense mechanism to keep myself from becoming too bored.
When I go crazy with someone, underneath I still want them to be friends with me even if I'm going to force it upon them. I'm starting to believe that it doesn't matter how much of psycho I am to someone who can't stand me because I'm about wanting them to do something positive by making me happy. If they can't do that and would feel like dying or something if they went with my plan of just being casual friends who meet up once in a blue moon, then they seriously need some professional counseling.
I really understand that it's not really about centering on the problem, but understanding the bigger picture. I want something positive to result out of the moment, so that's why I have been ticking the way I have been. Overall, it's a lot of hard work that I'm starting to understand and enjoy more often than not.
Academy of Scrappy Credible Undergraduate Desire
