I guess I just need to discipline myself now to a better road. Once I break a habit that I've been trying to force myself to do for awhile, I sort of wander off for awhile and not do it again haha. It's really hard to discipline the self, body, and mind. On top of that, if I forgot to do something and then I remember it then it's like why didn't I do that in the first place and think of myself as a punching bag haha. I must be a little bit like how everything has to be in a place and that if I had a bad day, then well, I need to look forward to the next day if there is one haha.
The incidents that have happened to me are problematic but also quite cool now that I think of it. I know I've done stupid stuff that never landed me in jail, thankfully, so my personality is something that was shaped by my upbringing which I feel grateful about. I guess I just added too much feeling into something I did and looked at it from an angle that was really short-sighted. When time's flying by from having fun and it's not really productive then that's pretty much a big boo-boo haha.
I really need to set my mind on disciplining myself and maybe signing on to do something that will get me outside the house. It could be anything that I could get my hands on and is very sensible to me. Now that I think of it, just doing it for the money might be just too much for me. There's one thing that I could spend all my energy on for making a living right now because I so desperately need to right now, and it's something that is sort of neat for everyone who hears about the participants who become successful from it. Yeah, it's a one-of-a-kind job and I'm not just saying this to hype myself up haha.
What about the fear of failure? No, I don't really have it. I'm always going to play it safe because that's the only way to be successful at my work anyway. I'm looking to make this a life-long passion that will help reap some pretty good rewards. I guess I should just focus on perfect discipline with this job like a professional would and not become so overly or under invested.
I guess I'm just trying to limit myself a little sometimes because I'm afraid of losing myself and getting really crazy about life from snapping haha. I actually felt those emotions and still carried forward with my studies when I was kid- I was very miserable obviously while others were probably celebrating about how nice and pretty cool I was. The only thing they must have hated was how I acted a little weird in terms of talking to others- I sort of acted like Annie Tran at that Hope of God Church haha- yeah, the one whose on my weird people list still. I can relate a little to how she acts with me because I sort of did that while growing up and came to detest it. I'm not the one to change a person in the end though- the act is something supernatural like Hallelujah(!) haha if the person changes for the better.
Do I know how to manage myself now that I could possibly take the lead with a good girl in my life haha? I want to say, "You betcha!" haha but I'm really not so sure. I still have to force myself to discipline myself which sounds pretty crazy so yeah, I think I just need to try hard and maybe, I'll get there haha. All those long days where I feel headaches and so annoyed from work not going so well really suck. The times where I gave an A effort after not studying so obviously, I would be bombing the test and then I see the bad news really sucked too haha.
Academy of Scrappy Credible Undergraduate Desire
