I'm actually noticing a different type of meaning in that self-discipline is literally about forcing yourself to do something. It's just that it should really be about something you desire doing for optimal results. Boy, I had the hardest time while still being a decently smart kid back then. I guess in a sense, I'm lucky to have put enough time to make myself book smart.
All along, I just didn't want to feel like I was forced into anything but self-discipline is a form of forcing yourself and exercising some personal restraint. In a sense, I don't ever like to say any cuss words because it doesn't represent me. Something I didn't exercise any discipline over and freaked out my parents for awhile was that I just liked to laugh all the time about anything.
I really forced myself to laugh. I think I did that because it was my defense mechanism from thinking so negative about everything and really dealing with a little chronic fatigue. It wasn't a good feeling, while panicking underneath a lot and wanting to do everything perfectly. I had so much performance anxiety over doing anything!
When I ended up striking out against some dorky former friends, I guess it's going to happen because they didn't want to work things out from having anger management issues and wanting to be so controlling with me. They were saying they wanted to help, but no it's because they totally lost it; and it's like nothing was going to be pleasing for them, and they were so mad and unable to release it and just going to a direction of spite towards me after having not really done anything to them and being so annoyed by it.
The amazing thing is that I finally am able to discern it. What's also amazing is that I found myself out of a psychological hole from being really lucky to find some practical information that I love putting to use.
