What I have always enjoyed ever since I broke out of my shell starting from college is beating the living snot out of small arguments I have with people and coming out of it feeling like a winner and with no regrets. It's always been a part of me, and I even did this with my nasty little sister back in those days. She is much more chill these days and shows signs of accepting me and not all about coming in my face because she knows that won't end well for her. It's been always like this for me, but my knack has been to grow as a person and eventually lead myself into the right direction while taking a long time to get there. I never had any true role models besides putting my trust in the far-away, Son of Man and I'm just not sharp enough as I would like to be, but that's an area I have come to accept.
A huge part of myself I struggled long and hard to let go of were those polarizing emotions filled with regrets from being short-tempered and saying smart things while not remembering what I said. It's funny because I felt like a mental hulk- the angrier I got, the harder I worked and tougher my mind became to beat down an opponent's argument. I don't really like this part of myself that much because I felt it was cutting it a little too close on the edge of constantly sinning while in this state of mind. I did well enough with something stupid that constantly bothered me and I'm probably going to have to thank that church group for the circumstances they put me through which was over really nothing, but I never released all of that mental and hulk-like energy at them because I didn't want to so all those thoughts of what to do about it just kept on lingering all these years.
I now know myself enough and am thankful I exercised enough self-control to beat out the all-time disturbing restraining orders. I scared the living daylights out of them from not going away while they were shouting and having a hard time with me when I would bring up something they didn't want to let go of. Yeah, they are still crazy and hold a grudge about the past and will say that about me but not realizing it themselves. I'm only going after my interests now and don't really see any reason to be mad at them because their efforts ended up being futile [I never saw a day in mental hospital nor prison with them always claiming I would someday] and I see myself as a winner confidently and proudly enough to boisterously express myself like this around them. It's pretty much about going all out with debating about my interests they are loathing about while they are arguing from being bothered and trying to force into them they need to let the past go now because it really doesn't matter to me and also do what I ask of them!
