I See My Struggle

It's not a big deal really but it's something that I should be aware of and finally come to terms with because it's one of those guy areas that's been messing me up quite a bit and stuck with me since I started getting attracted to women, which was at a young age for me without knowing what was going on too! It's pretty funny actually then because I'm so ordinary, but I haven't gone out doing what some guys would do because God is against that type of behavior. I believe it's for good reasons and that true happiness would come from not going into some sinful path and still pursuing after those desires and trusting that the Lord would deliver them in His perfect timing.

I definitely have trust and faith issues with living out for the Lord. If the Lord all of a sudden spoke clearly to me and said to drag my feet into a country that would feel like I'm stuck in hell, then no I wouldn't believe I was getting that type of command from God and not even go at all. I somehow found this balance of figuring out what I want and going after it while sticking to God's rules. If I'm feeling impatient about it and hurting from just not feeling like I'm getting it in time then that's where I need to rely on the Lord for strength and trust that His ways will reign supreme and the storm will pass while I keep on going after it and sticking with a positive can-do attitude while still working hard for it.

I realize that at this age of pardon my French, still being a virgin and not really caring about dating healthy, attractive, and single ladies without kids who aren't, I just need to find the right one who will be loving and want to do that thing regularly. I'm great friends with a couple loving and attractive girls and she might seem a bit interested in me but they both call me family like I'm their brother. I don't know if I waited too long but it seems like that terminology might be just used for stating that she feels closer and trusts me among her circle of good people. She still introduces me as her friend to others and states that's our relationship.

I mean I'm wonderfully attracted sometimes to one of them, and I can tell that she likes me while wanting to spend time with me but just don't know if she would be interested in regularly doing what I believe is a key component of marriage. Maybe later on, if I ever realize she's seriously the one for me because I let it get there, I might be even willing to do a lesser amount of it to make her happy and find another way to get over it. It's not going to be the end of the world though, but it is a pretty strong desire that I would like to experience pretty regularly if possible. If I can find the right one who would be so into it also then I think my prayer will be answered. If not, I can still work with what I have going for me because I'll lean to the Lord even in bad times and give credit to Him when times are good.