It looks like with what I want to do, I'm never going to get everyone on my back to lift me up and be supportive. People have time for doing their own things and whatever it is they like to read or watch to kill time. I just can't really rely on anyone to help me, and I have to literally do things on my own. If I'm going to get things done for making a lot of money and require assistance, then I'm going to have to pay the people I hire! The only good thing I think civilization has to offer is free information thanks to the Internet. People are giving away these free things because it must make them feel good like I do as well. Communication is like that in some sense and there's good which can come out of it.
It sort of looks like this with my past, stupid adversaries- I'm making progress and trying to talk to them to the point of wanting to just be friends with them and arguing to the point that it keeps on making them more sad. I actually don't mind and think it's funny! It's just that I don't have the time to go in and collect my victory now because I don't have the time for it from preferring to do other things that make me happy.
In other words, it looks like I won't have the time to watch TV or go on YouTube to watch cool videos for inspiration or entertainment value while watching commentaries about famous people. I want to basically work on myself to be happy. There's so many things I could choose from but the biggest thing I'm interested in is making a lot of money from doing something I enjoy. The closest thing to it so far is winning poker battles and designing software. I believe that I'm done with my education with trading and poker. It's just trial and error now and I really don't like losing but it's something I accept. There's really no way around it but spending a lot of time and taking breaks if it's just driving me crazy from not winning enough.
Trading and poker are two activities that I could be done with in under two hours, but for software engineering there's so much I could pick up on and so I should be putting my focus onto these things while also working on chiseling out my personal appearance just for the confidence and putting in the effort to have fun while socializing with people and getting to know them better. It's a lot of work basically and seems like a huge valley to climb while being close to the bottom so it won't always feel fun while knowing reaching these goals will be so fine and dandy.
I'm still powered along with wanting to be better at it. I want to focus on getting good with all these details now and think it's just for the fulfillment rather than letting my time pass by while trying to have fun on my own. When I look at it, I can actually keep myself really busy but it's just that I have been procrastinating because I want to be entertained.
I really need to snap out of this tired feeling and mindless decision to just watch random sports videos on YouTube and I did it yesterday for trying to find some inspiration. I think in little bits is actually fine and will stay addictive while being on my mind all day with wanting to give into it for awhile. I already have porno to battle that with. It's been already a week and I was thinking of doing it, but I just chose not to look at porn. It's the same old repetition- I want to go find myself a suitable girl more instead. Right now, it's the NBA playoffs and even though my team was out a long time ago, I still want to keep up with it and see what happens.
Yet at the same time, there's some conflict of interest. I want to have personal fulfillment while being willing and able to work very hard for it. Everyday though, I feel this drain of energy that makes me want to succumb to watching stuff and my mind is like telling me to put it off or that I should pick up my butt and get it done. I tried multi-tasking but nope most of the focus went to those YouTube clips and one of them was long enough to put me to sleep on my uncomfortable chair that hurts my butt. Well, I guess I can do better today. It's just that I will have to do the things I know will be good for me from Day 1 until Day 100 to turn it into a healthy habit.
Academy of Scrappy Credible Undergraduate Desire
