Not Jealous At All

For all the happy people in this world and from actually being used to desiring sexual relations all the time but still committing to being a celibate, I'm not jealous at all for all those happy couples out there because I'm all for them! This is really good in a way because it's good to get all this out of my system. I also need to start concentrating better, so I will be doing that now. It's actually really cool with the job that I have going and to be able to figure things out.

There's a lot of sweet opportunities right now for me and a door has just started to open from having put in work for all these years and still standing. I'm very fortunate that the things I have dealt with in working with dumb people is that it isn't that serious and those individuals I disturbed very heavily are terrified of me! Guess what? I'm only 5 feet 3 and one-half inches. I'm a guy too and I weigh about 155 pounds and no more than 165 at any given time. The fact that I can scare taller ladies often like Lee who was dumb with me is interesting, and I don't mind talking about that to joke about it if I ever she her weird face again. I'm only saying it's going to be funny looking at how weird she looks from looking at her shocked face with me! Okay, I don't expect Lee to be around Hope of God Church in Los Angeles after all these years. I wouldn't even be surprised if someone paid to have that building demolished by a construction company and taken over by a businessman. Actually that location sucks to do business as well, so I think no one will want to buy it and probably for the reasons of being religious purposes and them being classified as slightly liberal for their Christian denomination (Pentecostal), I can see how there may be enough donations around to keep them modest.

This is really fun with me blowing my honest tongue around and it's basically funny turning them into the butt of my truthful jokes. I'm being blunt about all of this and laughing at the same time so it feels great while relaxing all this tension of personal hatred against them. I forgave Lee for her lack of concern for me because she didn't want to make it a big deal but became an idiot by going after a restraining order which fell out. She's really dumb for having done that because she can't deny it from being on record, and I can make some aggressive moves at this point to which it would make her run away from the conflict and not respond like a normal human.

It all comes down to one thing. I made a promise with God to be a millionaire and get a six pack before I go show off at that church! I'm going to be like I don't care and I did this to hold on to my oath. I make it well known on this blog and to the few friends who have laughed at the oath I swore with God. Until I have acquired those things for myself, I can't go see how messed up Hope of God Church in Los Angeles turned out.  

Praying to Jesus About Everything!

Well, all my stupid thoughts included and concerns and anything that just tests my patience while I'm feeling charged up and very angry, I tried talking to Jesus about all of that this morning while driving to work. It felt good actually, and I learned something really important from tuning into the radio, I should be learning about what a godly woman truly is! Is she going to be sexy and into sex?

I really have no clue but according to my walk with Jesus and this is funny, I should be looking for a godly woman if I still can't help minding my own business to put myself out there and flirt with fine looking young women! On the other hand, my spiritual job should be about being a godly man. Now that gets an amen from all those lovely Christian ladies out there!

Putting things into perspective, I don't feel ready to search for this future hot momma. Thinking about a woman who I treat as my sister and analyzing about what makes her a wonderful being, she was at the time being a godly woman. I put myself aside from not being ready and I think Chris was just being a dumb person with an inferiority complex and so irritated and just messed up individual that I could have beat him up and he would still be in denial! If I had done that to poor Chris there, then I would be lost at my own wit's end in what to do with Judy in general! Therefore, Chris being a stupid man did something right for once by taking Judy for a wife. Amen!

I had to filter out some weird and twisted sexual imagination that scared the living daylights out of me when it came to fantasizing what having kids would be like with Judy, so yeah, I'm glad I didn't pursue it and looks like, it's a comfortable and lovely thing Chris and Judy could have going if they keep working on themselves for a godly marriage. Being a godly man is a lot harder than I can imagine that I can't even commit to saying I'm going to be godly everyday!

I can commit to being a celibate everyday and also not cussing but being godly (?) - that is definitely no way hoosiers. It's not that sad because I'm writing this being about honoring Jesus and I will pray and ahh, hopefully I don't get testy and start writing a lot of statements where the other person will just go quiet with me. It happens all the time for me.

Understanding What Makes Me Cuss

For the longest time I could be so sure that Webster's Dictionary never included the word cuss. Ever since I was a little kid in the elementary playground with other boys, I used to hear them say how nasty it was to stumble upon porno tapes. I remember laughing when a kid showed me a pornographic material. It was then when I was going through puberty that yeah, I couldn't get my hands full of feeling aroused so yeah, that was addictive and when I learned about masturbation that was ahh, so bad too. Today, I'm a celibate and still a virgin. I'm happy to be one and feel like I have something to really treasure losing in marriage to a very special lady.

Basically, the material that gets me to cuss in my personal daily walk is anything that I remember whether it was out of my hands or not and can be interpreted as embarrassing. It's that simple for me. I basically sucked and think that's embarrassing so I'm cussing away once a week sometimes. One of the things that's helped me to relieve this situation to cussing to past memories of being embarrassed is to just accept it and then laugh about my silly behaviors. Another thing is to just will myself to improve at whatever I want to do. It's pretty bad that I don't have a wife to indulge my sexual desires in, so it's been equally bad to try to substitute practicing love-making techniques all from just masturbation and watching porn.

Basically turning to Jesus and also praying about it helps out and choosing to honor the Lord from living in peace and joy from being filled by God's Holy Spirit is so wonderful! Overall, my kryptonite has been pride and resenting personal embarrassment.

I remember being liked by some cool kids. I was like what the heck! I had that competitive drive and feelings of not accepting defeat and just pushing forward. What was bad is that I loved being lazy from watching cartoons back then. I still like to on occasion, but the animated films I watch now are much more darker or sexier. I also like very funny shows too which is hard to get away from watching at times.

One of the things that I've noticed is that I'm so hard on myself and worried about how others might feel the same way with me. Another connection I've made is that when a person unfriended me on Facebook, later on I found out that dude can be such an annoying dork so he did me a favor of not wanting to bug me by removing me as a friend!

I really do want to get my priorities straightened out, so with the seven things I have in mind of doing, I'm going to have to make a "battle plan" for each one and then self-monitor myself through commitment to get there. This is all rooted on organizing my desires, so it only would make sense that I find methods of something I love doing to be happy and successful! One of the biggest observations I can confirm right now is that I was liked in general as a kid by nearly everybody because I was so hardworking in order to get straight A's and also tried to be always nice.

A kid had some issues with me and it really did screw me up emotionally, but I figure he just wanted to be a pest from being selfish about not wanting to let go of something and verbally attacking me about it. When I've been that way to others, I was trying to be nice about it but the people responded back rudely with me nearly every time. I could have gone off crazy with them which I did in college with about three individuals total and they were about two guys and a girl. I'm not really that much in contact with them any longer. I ended up being cool with them after lashing out several times. What I've noticed is that the people who were jerks with me and I was the same way to them to bother them back continuously, I stopped trying to lash out at them. The moment I showed a little sign of doing that- they made an annoying attack on my character from becoming insecure. They thought they were in control of everything, but in fact, it was always centered on me and I was working on myself through these valuable moments of learning. This is an area that I myself have done some work on and I've made some significant improvements lately and I'm really glad to be making progress but sad for my friends or dumb influential peers who are still acting like annoying people to me.    

Just Thinking

I was just thinking what it would be like to have a gay son and so I'm skipping imagining about having a gay daughter too. It played just like a movie with a likely scenario of my imaginary and "handsome" son getting it on secretly with his partner when I said I don't approve of it. I hope to God that I don't have to deal with something like that!

In the same fashion, I might want to overlook a heterosexual son scoring a very pretty lady and fornicating, but I honestly would tell him that's wrong too! Well, I am still living as a celibate right now so he should do the same !!!

Hmm, basically time's a wasting and gotta focus on the important stuff! "Ehh? Yep, yup, yeah... uh huh."  Here's my secret to being successful with my current relationships and being like so peaceful with all my friends: "accept the truth." What feels a bit extra is how I'm trying to honor God by living out His two greatest commandments to be abiding by His "grrr- rate" [Tony the Tiger's catchphrase] laws.

Choosing to love the dummy Lee and Annie and Washington and pretty-messed-up-in-the-head Betty and paranoid-while-being-drama-queen-like Michelle and a lesbian who goes by the name Paola (pronounced Paula? who cares), and all the dumb brats who unfriended me on Facebook, and sock-them-in-the-face Chris and Jarred duo, and goofy-brat Golf, and going-to-tickle-to-death "Baahhh", and not-that-chill-car-salesman-for-occupation pastor Chai (whoa (!), maybe red flag) and those-lucky-I-forgot person; yeah, I have to love them all because of the love of Jesus inside of me who compels me. It's an amen to that to wrap this up!

Rags to Riches Approach-Part One

I think one of the biggest keys for me to be on top of things is going to have to be self-aware of what I'm getting myself into. For the most part, I'm pretty self-aware that I'm living as a celibate right now. It's interesting because I thought I should join an asexual group and then I found one of the members there sexually attractive, so I guess I'm not really asexual then and just choosing to live this life to again honor the Lord Himself.

Okay, so I'm living this celibate life and doing well at it so far just that I'm saying curse words thinking about a past acquaintance. I'm not going to mention names, ahem, Annie from that old church- errr, I already made my peace with her the last time I surprisingly saw her. She was all smiles and I just want to just smack her right now, but that would be wrong even imagining it. Okay, I choose to love Annie too now even though I want to be uncomfortable blurting out the F word with no one around. This is bad because this is definitely not the Christian way- more or less, I have a super tight habit of not doing this around anyone so if anyone secretly placed a listening device at my place for some random reason or in my car, then he or she might hear me swearing all over the neighborhood when I'm by myself and think no one is listening to me. Well God's angels are probably shaking their heads and the devil's minions could be having a good kick out of it. I should seriously repent of this secret activity and honor it for the Lord again!

You know, I think I'll add on another challenge just for kicks in addition to being already a celibate and succeeding on my fifth day, I think. I already lost count and don't want to stress the days now. It's going to be awhile and maybe I won't ever even be ready to marry a sexy Christian lady whose into that spousal "love ya" stuff, but I'll trust in the Lord for that area. I'm going to not swear while all by myself and not even think it when I'm flashing back to the time of how I let someone like Annie T Seude (don't know how it's spelled and who cares) conditioned me to blurt out swear words while I'm around no one whenever something reminds me of her for no reason. Err, I just filtered out another swear word in my head. Man, it felt good while I let that word flow out of my mind and not enter my tongue. I mean I wanted to say it, but the swear word had "God" in there if you know what I mean so I felt bad right there in my head.

Rags to Riches Approach-Part Two

This is probably the first time that I'm intentionally holding back a post to try to look smart because I'm making two posts on the same day. It would figure that "Part One" should come first so I'm posting "Part Two" first on this blog so it looks like I did it like that. It must be pretty interesting in a funny and weird way right?

Okay, If I still have your attention and not confusing brainy souls out there then let's talk about how I'm going to play a little cash game poker with the lowest limits in the game that it could provide and try to build it to the highest table and make a small living off of it on my free time. Wouldn't that be exciting and cool? For most people, it's whatever and never even imagined gambling like that so it's not worth trying. I can see how there's some skill involved there because if you logically have a strong hand and the other player doesn't seem to be acting confident from the low amount that they are trying to bet to get you off a hand, then probably 90% of the time is a good number to win some cash from your opponent's wallet!

Another rags to riches approach from aside to playing online poker and I'm just doing fast paced poker for money; don't ask me how I got started because the research is waiting for you by typing online poker sites on Google and being rejected by like almost all of them because you are a U.S. citizen and not eligible. I suggest you go from there and yeah, I'm playing for real money on a poker site. I'm not saying how but it's on Google even though all of them will try to reject you for playing for real money. Try it, if you are interested!

Furthermore, aside from not trying to cuss anymore it's diggity diggity cool and yeah that didn't help my funny mind from trying to sarcastically say a bad word. Man, this is harder than I thought. I could use some healing in here. I'm really going to have a harder time not trying to say bad words now rather than being a celibate.

Okay, so with the Forex market, I also plan to make some cool trades on there and start from rags to riches approach, too. Being a swing trader is fun and risky to some, but it's cool for my personality to make some money.

Prioritizing

I'm on Day 3 of celibacy. It's actually not that hard for me to maintain this. It's just my pride or insecurity that gets me to fail. I think I would like to choose to honor the Lord by making this choice. It will be something like saving myself for marriage and if I'm forever never going to be ready to marry a beautiful lady, then I will still trust in Jesus to lead me where he wants me to go.

The solution to all my worries and troubles really is coming to Jesus. Living under the joy of the Lord is amazing. Now I need to figure out what I want to do and go about getting them done. Having fun is only going to prolong my responsibilities so I would love to be finished with those first.

Further Effort

To add to my effort with being celibate, I can struggle all I want but it's going to be my prideful attitude of how I could do it anytime that would probably cause me to throw it away at any given time. I'm going to add an extra challenge which could mean my downfall. It's a really personal one and that's not willing myself to look at stuff with the intent of appeasing my sexual curiosity and this will mainly deal with not giving into my heart's intention of admiring female's fully nude bodies from looking at pictures or movies or even trying to have fun memorizing how some women's large breasts look. How they compare to like my sister is off the charts and she was so mad when I admitted that I look at that stuff sometimes and she would be too ugly to even do something like that as an actress. I think she would be accepting of it now and judge me as being a typical boy who sees her like she is because I'm her brother.

I'm not ready to settle down and I think the main reason is that I still don't feel completed. A few of the things I would love to acquire is to feel like I have plenty of time to raise a family and to even have a comfortable place to live which I could share with a lovely woman willing to marry me and who I grow very fond of and attached to.

In the mean time, after my first day of living as a celibate and it being done perfectly, I'm already doubting have made this decision. This is where I go about changing directions to masturbating to porn that I'm not really addicted to but interested in just learning sexual techniques to pleasure a lady. I always feel weird after ejaculating though and then again, this is probably my main reason that I don't want to masturbate in the first place!

Being a celibate for me is easy. I've been a virgin all these years and haven't chased after women just for sex and I had opportunities too. Those women actually scared me away! The masturbating part is something that's just too weird for me and I should get back to considering it again but then again I wouldn't have to if I had a sexual wife to begin with. This is hard for me because I'm afraid of sexual women too even though I want one; I don't want to catch a sexual disease.

Day 1 of Celibacy

It was obviously easy for me because I had things to keep me busy. Also I went to take a yoga class and there were a lot of great looking female bodies to view especially the teacher's. Just check out her poses, and they were filled with so much energy and it's inspiring in a way to want to surpass her especially from being a guy.

I even saw a few other women there with revealing work out clothes, and I was just thinking to myself, it's the way it is. I honestly didn't care looking at them, and I just couldn't come to think how sleeping with them would even make a difference at this point. It felt like a hassle because of the consequences or responsibilities that could follow after. I think I would like to feel security and have trust in my own loyal spouse and then go for enjoying all of that recreational sex!

Anyways being a dedicated celibate for only one day now was easy. This was right after masturbating to porn the day before I made this choice. It's because I chose to accept my own defeat that I'm not good enough naturally to be a sexual lover. Practicing by myself and using only things in theory from what I pick up from reading other people's experiences, it's actually pretty weird to prepare from looking at porn and masturbating to these sex-crazed individuals while not lusting after them.

I can say that it's easy for me to get out of a porn addiction so coming in and out of it like once every few weeks to months on average, I'd say that I would love to enjoy pleasuring my very own wife now from not being satisfied enough engaging in masturbation. It was just from chasing after something dealing with my personal pride that caused me to go in this direction. I was still nice to the ladies and everybody else though, except for a few who I messaged with a brutally honest but negative critique about them. Yeah, they had that coming and I'm laughing about it because it really doesn't matter to begin with, but it's this principle that I feel they aren't connecting with which causes me to feel frustrations. They just suck period and don't want to make the effort to change, so it's not really my business to see them through and that I should focus more on fixing myself after noticing how those people sucked. I don't think those people will be comfortable anymore coming after me over something that isn't black and white with breaking the law now. I can easily point out how they could be messed up individuals and even with others around them and that could translate to negativity to them and something they would want to run away from with their own selves. Also, I can set up all of this to happen in one natural flow by attacking what they are coming after me about and this time, I'm going to have to research up on the law or be close enough to that and then just attack their principle while also attacking their character and overshadowing them with a full blow, if I feel that fire they are wrong about something and do it out of bravery because I might be losing a friend and have a hard time making peace with them during the recovery stages.

So yeah, I'm actually a pretty bright individual and people who tried to antagonize me over trivial stuff with me even wrote to me or said to me in person that I'm very smart. Those people became frustrated and I dealt with them by writing to them and they are just forced to move on with it now. I can see how I can argue for my case and be looked upon favorably while going for making it look it's not actually black and white through clear hard facts and talk about how they are being crazy or negative and attack their character while justifying it with facts and then coach them on the spot with how to be a better person. It will annoy them for sure and also hurt them a lot if others are around so it's a weapon of defense I could use as an offense over something that bothered me over the past. I really don't care because it's not hard to get over, but I'm spotting something that they are doing wrong and I can deal with them being uncomfortable with me and letting out their frustrations with me now. They obviously don't want to be put in that situation, but I could do it while pointing out how stupid they were and that I'm making them pay for it and to say that they should keep on acting that way, which will probably scare them away from me in advising my own personal problems. I would find relaxation without them being annoying to me, but how I could be that way to them then for laughs. Basically, it's let everything out with full on honesty and be ready to defend yourself physically and to tell them that they aren't being loving people in the end, so they should spend some time off reassessing themselves or acquire counseling over this matter but don't conspire revenge or anything like that with their supporter because I'm ready to turn the page. I naturally love to work on myself even while stuff like this annoys me and to be a great guy to the best of my ability.

Turning It Around

Well this is going to be hard- I'm going to be furthering myself with practicing celibacy while being single. This will mean no engaging in fornication nor masturbation. I guess I'm not going to be able to help it if I feel sexually aroused, but I would love to practice self-control and not turn to masturbating to porn. The way I feel I can accomplish this is to turn my life around all for Jesus.

This means that I'm going to have to accept a drop in my personal ego and admit defeat with some areas that I want to pride myself in getting better. One of the things I want to be great at is being able to sexually please the woman who I end up marrying and lasting long enough for her to enjoy it. The thought of that actually wants me to keep going back to practice more with masturbation! I really should just let it go and admit personal defeat from being humble. I don't even have that temptation yet with a girl because I haven't really madly fallen in love with anyone.

I think I also need to start making the effort to plug myself into the tasks I personally analyzed and wrote out. I should just give it a chance and see how it goes before I decide to boot it again later on. So basically, I'm looking to do:

personal hygiene
trade or trade-related programming
cook
work out
plan social events and go to them
editing photos and videos for social media

I'm going to need to just be completely dedicated to make this happen daily.

Reading Bible

What am I really seeking after in life? I think deep down inside there's this part of me that's very crazy and wants recognition from everybody, but at same time it scares the living daylights out of me. It's a pain-in-the-neck feeling. I think I want to will myself and draw near to God's spirit through the Lord Jesus and help from the Holy Spirit.

There's really nothing I can do about my sinful nature except just give myself over to King Jesus and let him transform me into the person he wants me to be. This person that I believe Jesus wants me to be is a hard worker and content person with everything he has. I'm speaking for myself in the third person, which is funny.

There's mainly one vice for me I believe that limit me from doing much: occasionally zoning out by watching something for entertainment. What I'm choosing to view is probably not the best environment for me to be sucked into because I'm not even going to thrive in it.

What is it that I'm really looking for in this lifetime? Currently, I'm looking to break away from living with my parents and finding a better place to live while being financially well off and having an incredibly healthy body with capacity to still contribute something. I guess I want to be one of those successful people and be personally happy about it. It doesn't really hurt to be considered lucky then because of it. 

Strong Dedication to Living for the Lord

I believe there's really nothing more powerful than coming to a faith-based relationship with God. Surely, finding this peaceful rest out of joys from being in the Word and to live it out with certainty and stay in worship of the Lord fulfills purpose. The Bible mentions about God being the author and finisher of our faith.

Just by turning over things that annoy me daily to the Lord, I'm able to find this spiritual courage to keep on going and work hard to earn a decent living. I'm crediting all of my diligence with being productive in the work force to God!  I'm really excited to be set free over my misery to being bonded by something silly like a crazy girl named Lee trying to force me to stay out of her church permanently. It didn't work for her, and I even managed to put up one of those rare reviews too about Hope of God Church in Los Angeles and it's a one star negative review. I think Oyuri tried to get my review banned but it managed to stay on there. I even chose the laugh vote for all the others that sounded positive. Lee and Oyuri even took down their profile pictures too, so it looks like they were brought to shame from supporting what's now a lost cause!

Looking back, Lee and Oyuri really didn't have a stable mind while thinking I was crazy. However, it went away from them and they were wrong. Oh how glad I am that they were wrong. My abilities must have some potential if they were willing to take it that far with me in trying to get me to stay kicked out of their church.

Maybe this could have even been an attack by one of the devil's minions! Here I am still- a Christ-centered believer and still feeling I could keep growing stronger from staying in the Word.  From those two greatest commandments in the Bible, I can see that Lee and Oyuri didn't really live up to them with me. Their failure is common like mine; they probably thought it was too little to take seriously, but asking myself if they were being loving towards me over this incident and their actions, then no they fell short. They transgressed against God, and I don't really know if Oyuri is even a Christian at this point. They will have their moment with God someday, but for now, I choose to forgive and think things will be alright for them.

I think Lee for the better part was a misguided sheep, but was trying to mean well. She was just bad though and that annoyed me like crazy too, but I never really did take it out on her in person. I sent her some truthful messages that were filled with my frustrations and ridicule and it felt good. It did help block out my anger issues for awhile and had me personally laughing at her in private. Yet, I feel compelled to still love her and that's how it's going to be. It's all because of my faith in living for Christ. I'm not chasing after Lee's hand in marriage though and maybe, another dumb guy already beat me to it already. I don't know what's so attractive about Lee honestly, except for her sounding annoying and pretentious at times. It's okay because she's just nice in a weird way with her eccentric church doctrine that really can contradict Scriptures as well. I don't think she really knows the Bible along with her pastor there because they acted like they knew enough about it and that's when the red flag sets itself up to begin with.

Jesus First Mentality

Honestly, it's pretty crazy from how I've been living for myself all this time, the answer to all of my problems is really to turn to Jesus! Matthew 11:28 says that Jesus will give you rest. There's really no such thing as it being too little to also not let God deal with it. This is one of my major faults that kept me from getting closer to figuring out the truth.

God commands us with over 600 laws in the Bible! However, Jesus was able to sum it up by referring to the two greatest commandments. It's to love the Lord with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength. Secondly, it's to do the same for everyone. It means that from obeying these two commandments, you are abiding by everything God commands us with. It's lovely but hard to do right?

This gets me thinking now that everything I do, even while I'm in and over myself while raging and thinking about how to get even with dumb people like Lee and another guy who was just being full of himself at that time, I still need to be loving with them because of the love of Jesus in me. Just from being straight up honest with them, it makes a lot easier to spill the truth out of wanting to be loving.

It's also easy to conclude and reveal to everybody that Lee and the other weird dude were not about being a loving person because they were selfishly holding onto a view and refusing to let it go especially over a situation that doesn't even matter. Just speaking the truth, I'm human too and want to do the same back at them, but because of Christ's love for me, I have to tell them that it's right in God's eyes to still be loving towards them while they are acting stupid with me for awhile!

I have this joy when I'm living in the spirit of the God. Yet, I believe my gifts are not meant for me to go into ministry.

  

Carrying Consistency

It looks like my Hot Cheetos eating days are going to need to stop because that's all I do when I get back from work. Sometimes, I just turn on the TV to let myself be depressed from watching high-flying athletes dunk on each other and then high-five their teammates; there's nothing wrong with that, of course. I'm starting to just not care so much about my phobia of being productive. I think I'm going to start timing myself to see if I can improve with getting ready each morning. I do like twenty things to myself to get ready. Let's count them off- one by one as I still remember:

1. Get up.
2. Turn off the alarm.
3. Sometimes sleep about five more minutes and then forget to wake up.
4. Wake up and stand around.
5. Go to the bathroom and take my time sitting there for like 10 minutes.
6. Man, that's gross. Take a shower and clean myself.
7. Wet my face with hot water.
8. Put on shaving cream.
9. Shave.
10. Wash my face with cold water.
11. Rinse with a facial soap.
12. Put some stinging toner on my face using a cosmetic pad.
13. Use another girl product and apply some lotion made out of essential vitamins for the skin.
14. Mix those lotions together and apply all around my face.
15. Put on some sun block.
16. Use a laser band on my hair to try to stimulate growth.
17. If I don't forget, brush my teeth first with an electric toothbrush and paste.
18. If I don't forget, floss my teeth with that water flosser product and clean my teeth some more to remove plague.
19. Rinse my mouth with teeth hardening mouthwash.
20. After brushing my teeth first which wets my face or doing after putting on those girl products that shouldn't be wet by water,  spray my hair with cleaning enzyme.
21. Put on some hair spray.
22. Add some 5% monoxidil (hair growing formula).
23. Change into some new clothes.
24. Pack everything for work.
25. Leave house.
26. Get to work and fly through traffic.
27. Etc. etc. etc. fall asleep at work once in a blue moon and then wake up with natural caffeine!

So this is about my 20 tasks I do every morning. It only like takes me 2 hours to get ready each morning! I want to bring it down to 90 minutes if possible.

Fully Committed

First off, I'm going on record to bluntly state that everyone who I have ever met and made the decision to not add me on Facebook when I desired it or deleted me to never add me again if I ever found out about it lost! I find that to be funny now and whatever argument they had going with their own fleshy and selfish desire isn't that serious to begin with. If I ever feel totally overwhelmed to be a wacko with Lee again, the dumb lady who put a restraining order on me, I'm really going to make fun of her this time around while arguing with her and just not caring anymore while still loving her for who she is. It's a tough commitment to love, but hey I'm not sexually interested in her and if she wants to make claims like that, I've heard guys saying girls will tell just the opposite, so Lee should just be quiet in the areas of sexuality with me and let me say that I'm not indeed that turned on by her!

I choose to love stupid Lee and her dumb anger issues that I don't care about anymore. I choose to love the horrible and "stench-y" Oyuri too. Man, I really want to hate on her so bad but because of the love of Jesus in me, I'm going to commit to loving Oyuri. I'm just going to bash her using my honest tongue for pleasure then, but still love her! Hey, it's just life and committing to staying a focused individual is fun and important to me.

I haven't been that great at staying focused, but man it's been fun to personally laugh about all the stupid things I put myself through and to also be aggravated by them sometimes and mentally work to find a solution to them. One of the most important things is to find happiness, and I guess if I'm so selfish and can't handle it whenever, I'm just going to put myself through some unnecessary effort to get something that's not really needed for me anyway. I don't really need a person who doesn't like me to add me on Facebook to find true happiness and success. I just want to do it out of humor and from the generous feeling in my heart and just annoy the heck out of them and be ready to shout at them and make fun of their insubordination with me. I'm actually being greedy about it and it really isn't something that bad to argue because I can state it's good while yelling at them and causing them to cover their ears, if they want to lose their cool with me and then taking charge to force them to never do that again and just going all over the place with them in person and be saying something like, I'm the one that's going to make you happy by letting you go and see you later in front of everybody who is there.

I'm actually pretty under-rated at arguing with this stuff and haven't used it because I've always wanted something where the stars align and we just got along happily. Maybe those people have something that just doesn't match with me, so in the end, I'm not really fulfilling my true desires but just prolonging them from wasting time.

It's probably a stupid question then to ask people why they can't do something for me. I think the only reason why people would do that is just to bother them when they are trying to lead you on something and you don't feel comfortable with them. I think I'll just give them a warning that I am going to fully commit and annoy the heck out of them and tell them that I will say that I told you so later on while they are trying to deal with me and tell them my own opinion and force it into them because they want to do that to me and go for taking them down. I'll just repeat it and finish it through to get what I want, which isn't going to matter in the end anyway and just be honest about everything while actually loving them as a person. I'll just tell them it's tough love or something and that I have this feeling of goodness of just getting along while also shouting at them because I'm this little happy kid inside from working at managing a fun relationship even with all of the ups and downs.

Success Within Finger Tips

Yesterday, I really felt that mental drain from being exhausted and as I looked through my personal list of things to accomplish, I had so much more desires to add on to it! What I had didn't look so bad and I couldn't do them because I needed to rest and get up early for work the next day.

I only accomplished two on my agenda and went off course to do other things with my personal time. Little by little I'm getting better and also it's cool to have a female friend who lets me know her concerns like a baby sister. She sent me around 40 texts the other day while we were discussing about how to plan a trip. It makes me think she's into me a little but in a personal joking manner. Yeah, I think she's nice and has a natural ability to attract males sexually interested in her, but she's not into doing that from caring so much about personal responsibilities and family. She says she loves me quite regularly too, but I'm like all smiles and just really chill while acting like a big bro figure. I actually like it too. To confess, I actually have a bigger mutual bond of attraction with her younger sister than I do with her. Her young age is something that really concerns me a lot even though she's almost in her mid-twenties. I guess that's not too bad, considering my lifestyle being so physically active compared to a regular dude around my age. I'm just short and not really looked at that much. I do really well with other chill people too and that doesn't involve messing around with my social media page.

This gets me to admit that it gets annoying for me when a person has trouble being chill with me. I want to put in a little bit of extra work, but it's just going to end up with me forcing the person to do stuff for me by yelling at him or her and then hanging out later. I feel bad from acting in this manner and it's a constant cycle. I'm starting to get numbed out over it and well, I'm actually mellowing out these days because in the past, I would have gone crazy in a different way than I did back then. Yeah, they were just full of it and being stupid with me. I have an ability to lead people who act that way with me, but it's been something reluctant for me to use because I prefer having a meaningful friendship. I let myself crash and burn and to build myself back up while realizing the actual truth and that after all of that annoying journey, it's not really a big deal to begin with and if I want to take charge, it's still for the taking assuming those people are still there. It's going to wear me out a lot though and I won't know what to do while just going random and annoying the person with that ability to keep them in place while they want to be frustrated. It's because I'm aware of my surroundings quite naturally when it comes to personal interaction in a conflict and I can point a lot of it out just to abuse my privileges.

Using my time management skills, the temptation and pressure is definitely on to do something to that "stupid" crowd I have come to avoid for these last years. With crazy things happening in this world, I would have to bring those up in my conflict with them and just blast them for being silly with their own paranoid feelings and just shout at them all day. I don't want to really give in to those feelings anymore; otherwise, I would have been the same old self and avoided restraining orders but I would have trouble understanding and investing in myself which was the struggle I put myself through so many times. It was a lot of hard work from a mental point of view, and I still have more to do.

Kinda Stupid

It's definitely really stupid that I didn't go after defending myself when Washington and Lee went for a restraining order against me which were a few years apart. It was different reasons too. I was afraid of speaking up for myself! Man, I sucked and I should have at least went for trashing their reputation in court. However, when I studied the restraining order procedure, it listed being made fun of as one of the reasons, so that plan fell out quickly and I really had no game plan except just panic.

It's life and now, I figure I can get away with making fun of my future plaintiffs who want restraining orders against me. I can do it in a manner that makes people laugh too and makes them get even more mad so I can talk about how they are mentally unstable next and make them just burn inside and make it so displeasing for them. Yeah, that will be fun. I can be like in court I'm thinking about putting a restraining order on them back just for additional protection but they are too much of a "little" person much like figuratively a midget so I don't really have to fear their weapons of mass destruction either because it's only going to tickle me.

Basically, it goes the situation is too little to worry about constantly and I have better things in life so they are just moping around while having an unstable mind and that they should seek a therapist for treating their anxiety attacks around me which have been conditioned from them being stupid in the first place! Well, it only took about 10 years to finally get an idea of the full grasp with what the heck I am trying to do in first place.

Well, I don't have time right now so I don't see myself gathering up more stupid plaintiffs who want to annoy me in court. I also have them feeling intimidated by me and these days, I think they feel bad! Woo hoo! I'll take that any day of the week and even the cop who tried to arrest me with his anger issues said he had anger issues in dealing with me to Lee's "prisoners" at her house a long, long time ago. She will not want to admit that or be like "I don't remember it like that." Yeah, it's a horrible memory that doesn't fit into her equation at all and is negligible so she's going to justify not remembering it. For her selfish causes, I can ruin them right now if I want to just for that to get even. I think I already did in the past and it's been just about continually bashing her because of it and then going after taking out her unofficial reign of rule with the "lost sheep" at her church. It's like having an appetite of seeing people treat her like she's being flushed down the potty.

Lee is a lost cause with this situation now and all she can do is just not be sure and be afraid of doing more bad things to me. If she can't let it go which should be easy to let go of and the same for me while we are both feeling angry at each other, then she needs to go get help! From being able to formulate my approach from opening up properly now that is my trump card. I can see their fear is out of them having done something that they feel I perceive as bad but they feel justified over having done it and just responding out of negativity and unstable energy. Playing my truth game really hurts the opposition and rocks! Imagine it's also for building up people I love too and saying all these good things out of them from being truthful. Yeah, playing the truth card is going to always work for me in the end.

Letting Things Go

A lot of stupid things have happened to me and the only regrets I really have is just not managing my money properly and making the wrong choices in where to invest my time and energy into it for trying to do a business. I guess I'm not alone here, and the fact that I'm still supporting myself with some help from my alive parents still, so in that respect, I'm really lucky.

Have you ever been around a person who turns into a hypocrite from being angry? I know I've slightly been that way from becoming sarcastic and joking around while yelling at my own little sister who hated me for doing that a lot to her. She thought of me as being a lost cause, when in fact she had trouble resolving some anger issues herself with me.

I think the main reason to all of this stupid mess is from not opening myself up fully. I was like afraid of being caught of having done something and surely enough, all of these annoying accusations went towards my direction. I don't even understand what they are saying, and I was trying to be serious about what they were telling me while they were showing signs of anger. From doing this, it obviously drove me crazy and I built a grudge against them because of their rudeness.

After all this mess though, they were just being a lost cause with me. Oh well, it's life. I don't really have that much time right now to mess with them. Maybe, when I'm rich and pack a lot of knowledge and able to beat up a multitude of regular people from self-defense then maybe I will initiate a past argument that doesn't even matter and go after persuading them to do stuff for me without caring if they file a restraining order on me in the end. I'll just let the court know then that I intend on working things out with them and explain to them in detail while saying it isn't that serious to accommodate and not a big deal but they just don't want to get along. I'll just talk about how they have been mentally unstable as well just for additional laughs. I'll do a lot of comparisons as well of how they failed and I surpassed them in everything. That will be a lot of fun and in the end, be like it doesn't matter because they have been insignificant with me already and say this to everybody around them.

In other words, it doesn't matter if this stuff bothers them or not and the same goes for me too. It's easy to let go of in the first place and why make it so hard on yourself and turn into a lost cause?

Prioritizing With Truth and Wisdom

I believe that my main reason for constant failure to upholding God's laws is from not understanding my situation and losing sight of what I'm doing. I just can't find a definitive and convincing conclusion for it from finding ways that I can argue. How I differ from unbelievers though is that I personally believe and will live by whatever principles that are undisputedly clear and exact from the Bible.

Maybe it's about time that I got back to my early roots that I failed to communicate from feeling immature when I first started this blog. I was selfish and had no love and support which is what I wanted from the people. Yet, it also can be a curse so in the end, I'm not seeking for people's approval. Instead it's all about living under the grace of God and loving others from understanding how stupid I can be over my little things that bug the heck out of me.

It's about time that I shaped up and stayed hopeful by dedicating my entire daily regime to the Lord. I think I'll just be planning about half the time before executing my steps during my personal time, so during those times  I will be listening to KWVE.com- I wholeheartedly support that ministry. Even the dope Chris felt they were "pure in heart" and he's from the old church in Hope of God Church Los Angeles; but hey, he married a great girl Judy before he popped out like four kids to drive him crazy and drain most of his money, but whatever, it's life! I'm happy that I don't have that burden still compared to him and that with this time of finding myself, it's been awesome to finally figure that God is alive and loves you and me to the fullest and there's joy to having a relationship with Him starting from your heart.

Step 0 is prayer according a funny Ph. D mathematician. I love that guy, seriously and he attends that lame church. It's not about the system, but the individual. Hate the nasty sins but not the sinner. This applies for everybody! The second greatest commandment is to love everybody and that's what God wants. The first is to give all that attention to God, who is the source of our happiness. With God's spirit flowing well within you, it's amazing how humble you become and that things are revealed for what they are- the truth and to still find rest among a world of evil doers.

So it's about time that I went after making sure the important things are done and to also be sensitive about the little things, but all in due time. I think the little things for just myself is so selfish and stupid! If it was for a girl I liked or a homeboy, then that's going to have to be so much different. Ready, set, go! PRIORITY GAME-TIME just began.

Time Flies Regardless

Time will go by whether you are under feelings of pain and intense discomfort or not. It's a lot of suffering for sure, but time will just continually in a forward loop keep on moving alone.  Like I have been trying to psych myself out into getting it done compared to my last couple posts of this blog, I'm going to have sacrifice some unnecessary things that I do in order to reach my intended goals. The temptation to not do it will flow by for me anyway. Therefore, I want to rely on the Spirit of God this time around.

Planning Steps and Implementing

I'm amazingly pretty good at planning things that would make me happy. However, I do bad at staying consistent with it. I just don't know why I keep on letting myself get defeated from distractions. I guess this is the very reason why one of the wonderful inventions that God created is natural caffeine! I will be staying up a lot longer from procrastinating and enjoying other things while taking my time.

I guess my major step that I need to sacrifice is my feeling of enjoyment with not doing anything stressful and to work. It's also fun to work on something that you enjoy doing, just not too much. From analyzing how I'm spending my time, I'm just letting my mind escape to entertaining things from watching or reading about trivial stuff of this world that interests me. This is going to have to change for me now.

I think from all the plans that I have been making, I believe that I can be happy turning it into a routine because I'm blending in both work and play. However, my ratio has more work than play. I'm just trying to be smart here with my time management. I have this desire to do extremely well and I guess with my parents slowing down and looking at retirement already, I'm not in the mood for the same as they are, I need to work and build up riches that I could trade in for more free time.

I'm going to have to treat surfing the web or watching entertaining shows as like my temptation at this moment, so that I can reach my goals. However, my goals would have absolutely no meaning without feelings of acceptance and love. Looking towards Jesus to find rest is awesome!

Putting Everything Together

My faith in God plays a huge factor with who I am these days. The stuff I have been through is not that bad and the people who made a big deal about it were not able to let it go. I wasn't trying to be mean to them anyway while I was mad at them and hiding that fact with them while being passive aggressive towards them. They will probably get knocked out of whatever anger they felt with me now if I open up with them and just use the truth. I again don't know why I was so afraid of being honest because for me, it seems to work out when I become this way with my antagonists.

I don't really feel bad for them anymore and accept that it's just living life. They just don't see how good I mean to be with them, and it's a shame because they have to still be selfish and complain over something that really isn't that serious. Oh well, it's not that hard to get over after all. I will persevere and finish the race that God has called me for.

Making Sacrifices

The only thing that I really see myself doing to make a sacrifice is just limiting myself from watching TV or letting my mind wander off on the computer while having free time. Once again I start all over and this time, I'm looking forward to being a wiser person and accomplishing all my goals. It's getting a lot closer as I reach the age of 35.

I'm really glad that I went to church today and learned that one of the keys to happiness is to be content with everything that you got going and to have a personal relationship with the Lord. I really need to get back into studying the Word and living it out in this world. I just have this personal joy that's unspeakable from trusting in Jesus as my Savior. 

Even though I don't know how bad my sins are because I always try to be the nicest guy I can be to others around me, I should start exercising better self-control so I think I will be praying for that and to overcome my temptations that I don't seem to have any fulfillment at this moment. I'm just going to have to trust in where God wants to lead me and deal with a lot of guy issues.

Time Management

I guess I'm realizing now that time just flies by really fast if I'm not doing what I set out to do. It's like I know that I'm letting myself be side-tracked and then foolishly I just let that time slip and I'm not able to get to what I originally set my goal to be.

This all needs to change for me now. I'm just going to have to put myself in the act of doing that then. One thing that I could be doing is that while I'm planning my life out, I could be letting myself listen to a Christian radio station on the web at my computer. It seems to be pretty smart and might actually make me more productive. 

Handling Truth

It really takes a lot of acceptance and bravery to get to a level of self-assurance to be able to handle the humility that could come from revealing your own shortcomings. One of my buddies is like no way and just turns annoying from not accepting how things are and can't help thinking pretty dumb by believing how certain people are out to go against him. He bases it on indirect body language and speech not pointed at him because he's not looking straight at them and trying to eavesdrop what people say. He makes some connections that have been questionable and he rides off of little evidence that can't be substantiated enough. He doesn't want to really make a fool out of himself while he's feeling so stressed from being unable to have control of a situation. Yeah, it's very annoying that he can't let it go really easy. I think for me, I just failed to communicate with angry people all this time and it caused me to get mad at them in return.  

It's been a lot easier these days though, and I'm just filled with laughter to this day from some of the truthful messages I send to people who were jerks with me. Well, I did have a run in with an angry cop before as well. He wrote me a ticket for possibly not making a right turn signal on a green light. I think I was mad about not getting into the left lane and couldn't reveal this to the cop. I don't know what it was, but I just had a natural fear to opening up with the whole truth about myself. I remember now, Judy was upset when I told her about it. I think she was feeling bad for me like a lovely person that she is and also concerned that maybe the police man was being a jerk. I think I developed one of those mature crushes with Judy and was maybe inspired by God. It's not so much anymore now because she married a dweeb, Chris but who cares anyway.

I think God really intended me to learn to express myself with using the full truth. The devil is obsessed about being the father of lies and bending the truth in any manner just to fit his own agenda. Likewise, I see everyone prone to doing this by telling possibly white lies to not make a person feel that bad or to get out of trouble by denying everything. I've seen this being done when a cop pulled my friends over. I was handcuffed from being in possession of a BB gun and yeah, now I think that's funny because I had no charges filed.

I have been hand cuffed three times while under question and released from being arrested and not on record. I can honestly say that I have never been in jail while being under a lie detector test and also my legal records won't show anything of that account from all the trouble making I did in the past. I've surprisingly never done any drugs either and not even went for a puff. To the best of my knowledge, I didn't and don't know if a shady friend gave us all brownies that were baked with weed,  one day.  That brownie made me feel so high, so I don't even know what being high is.

From having this mouth that's full of honesty, in a way, it's very powerful and influential as well. I was quiet during those times, and I guess God was with me while I didn't really know what the heck I was doing while being under my half-selfish and half-giving agenda which just annoys everybody! Why not just always be an all-giving person to make everybody happy? In other words, I'm saying being too nice, so it's probably because I'm afraid of being taken advantage of that I can put up an annoying front like that sometimes.

Chasing Focus

Everyday I drive home, I get the chance to tune in my radio to a Bible teaching station. It's fun to hear great sermons and even though I may never have gone out of my way to see how some of those pastor's faces look like, it's been surprising sometimes when I have because they look so old, but speak like they are still in their primes!

I have usually been focusing on my own selfish matters and just trying to contain my laughter from the stuff I message people I'm mad at. I care about being at peace with people and it drives me nuts when they opt to push me out of their personal bubble for any reason. This is where I've been so frustrated and accused or called some bad names by them. I was also afraid of them, which made me even more angry and go after launching a passive-aggressive pattern of annoying them with messages that were filled with my frustration and going for being nice. It scared a lot of them and I mean some of them were terrified!

The good thing though is that Oyuri admitted to being a crazy girl early on. However, she just kept on trying to cuss me out with her messages while adding the word "Psycho" in between which really got my blood boiling. It turns out she stopped over-reacting like that with me and I think I feel good with the turnout because I'm on top from having her blocked on Facebook and have been sending truthful messages that fill me up with laughter and will probably do the same for others who unintentionally read it. I wouldn't be surprised if Oyuri just ignores or deletes those messages now and wants to not take it too seriously like she used to. She must feel like a little bit of guilt for trying to mess up a "nice" guy- me. Yeah, I hope I can still be that way with her while saying bad stuff about her from being honest about my opinion. I have so much truthful stuff to say which I know is negative.

I really found my exit from just messaging Oyuri the whole truth and to the best of my knowledge. It's had a positive result of her not replying back to me and messaging me the word "Psycho" or additional cuss words. Honesty is what the Bible in the Book of Proverbs says, "A kiss on the lips." I'm figuratively in an immaculate manner making out with Oyuri by being blunt with her and telling her how much I think she sucks! Isn't that really ironic and how she's like making an effort to not be around me anymore? I could just walk around and if she saw me, she would maybe freak and run away from me. I don't really mind that actually, especially from someone like Oyuri.

Maybe I could walk into that bad church Hope of God in Los Angeles and be like "Haha, Lee left and her restraining order failed. Woo hoo!" someday.  I was imagining something more impactful like Lee trying to mimic a pastor and just dropping everything she does and leaving. I might just walk in and she keeps on talking. I will be like "See? She's so dumb from not running away or she was just a liar!" It's whatever; I'm pretty convinced Lee was being a nearly crazy and spiteful lady at the time from being completely not in the tune about living the mature Christian's ways of the Bible.

Diligence and Not Caring

I'm feeling roughed up and not in the mood for anything sometimes. It's liked I'm just too scared for being worn out. It's pretty much going into panic mode and not being able to do anything about it. One annoying co-worker kept on telling me to relax and then I finally got on his nerves and he lost his position of supervising over me. Yeah, it happens and I practically don't care.

In a likewise manner of not caring, I need to stop caring and just get stuff done. I do love being an organized person and having everything in order. It takes up a lot of my time, and I wonder if trying to favor being a neat freak has anything to do with OCD. I just need to pack and clean it up once and I'm just happy as ice resting on top of a cola surface! It's just so chill and relaxing after with nothing getting in your way.

I should really start being more loving with people by pushing them to doing some good when I'm under uncontrollable anger! No, I mean I should inquire when I see that look of pain or surprise or despair on their faces. I do this all the time with my close lady friends and they are still cool with me.

I need to get a whole lot better with my concentrated efforts still and to also not rely that much on my own personal emotions. Whatever one of my buddies is going through, he really deserves that upon him because of his own thoughts and selfish intentions. I don't have that much time to hang with him right now. If I wanted to, I could force him to add me back on Facebook too, but I see that as a waste of time. It's also a waste of time to do that right now with Lee too, the girl who put a restraining order on me. I could do it now, assuming she's stupid enough to still stick with that loser church, Hope of God Church in Los Angeles. If I was Lee, I would just marry some decent guy and be like so long Hope of God Church and live my stable life, but Lee is crazy so I don't know really where she will end up at this point. It's not really my business to find out about that either and I'm happy to feel that way because it would be so stressful if I had to.

It's basically two strong emotions that I'm going after living for better smooth flow and success. It's confidence and relaxation. I'm going to make so many mistakes from not understanding things, but from just trying to be a natural at something and repetitiously going after something in this manner of staying honest, it helps a lot to accomplish something and at least be in normal standing while flashing great potential with others around you.

Mixing Bad and Good Luck

I mess up all the time. I basically suck at a lot of things and keep on making the same mistakes. I don't know how to fix it, and I'm pretty much a wreck. One thing that is starting to work out for me is programming.

You know with everything that's happened to me, I'm just a short man now and trying to do the best I can. I'm also avoiding things and want to have things with the least path of resistance. I guess that makes sense in a way.

I really don't know what direction is but being filled with the joy of the Lord is amazing! To be able to also enjoy the Winter Olympics and want to cry out of the joy with happy athletes celebrating from winning is great too. It really doesn't matter if it's not rooting for my country either!

It Doesn't Really Matter

Once upon a time, as a crazy funny teenager in the age 16, I wrote that I was going to rape my teacher and let her read it! The teacher didn't care and was like whatever stupid. Another student read it while going through my papers and she got scared and reported me to the authority. A policeman came over and they conducted to see if I was on any drugs and they spotted my Magic the Gathering cards and I was just really uncomfortable. 

I confessed that I heard voices in my head which got me to write that paper. They let me go eventually because I showed a mannerism that I was going to fight this to the end and determined to go all the way. I had that look of acceptance and annoyance and that I was going to fight it out. The vice principle who was talking to me decided to let it go, and this guy had anger issues in my middle school. He got promoted to VP at my high school, and I just don't know why he didn't want to get me in trouble. 

It was a bunch of guys and they just decided not to press charges, along with a cop. I didn't really realize it actually what I was putting there was bad and that's what happened. I also did that unintentionally with making myself look like a rapist and racist too.

Basically, it doesn't matter and I got away with it. I didn't really know what I was doing at the time and wasn't aware of it and it wasn't even in my intention to be a criminal actually. Some of the people who became afraid of me were just being dumb and annoying to me. I released all my anger upon them with words and went for being truthful. I just went full blast and nothing happened to me in the end, so yeah, I'm one of those types to be left alone as a regular person but with a whole lot of potential to be evil and at the same time be a nice lad. 

Being called a psycho or so scary by a couple people doesn't bother me. They were just being really stupid because it got on my nerves. It does make me mad to hear those type of accusations with me and to want to fight it hard. I'm more aware of what the other person I'm bothering for any reason might be going through so it's not really a big deal on my end and them just wanting to be stubborn about something that really doesn't matter either.  

Commiting and Focusing

Now I'm realizing that I have a lack of discipline meaning that I'm not really focusing and just going with whatever that flows with my boat. It's like I just run with my first catch and offering that feels good. This type of living is fun and don't get me wrong, I'm also not doing much. It's just that it's not satisfying enough.

Like having around a girl friend who just likes to live life and do everything while going places, she really likes to insist and take charge while bringing her available and closest people together for some fun. It sometimes tests me and wants to get on my nerves a little and I just go along with it even though I feel worn out.

In this instance of feeling worn out, I have to run with my goals as well. My goals are like my boring mistresses in a way. They just keep teasing me to come after them, but I'm like "No time, honey!" This is where it comes to the concept of discipline which has a subset of commitment and focus.

Along the way though, committing and focus is not enough! You have to do it! I mean do it hard all night sometimes. Yeah, go straight for boning the zone while it's so really hard and feeling juicy.

I'm just joking around obviously, but it would be fun for teenagers going through puberty to read this post and then go crazy like trying to grab a gold medal at the Olympics. Kudos to them and thanks for being inspired, if only it was so true compared to my reading base that I suspect are from all over the Northern world and speak excellent English! You guys are mainly based in the United States and don't know and don't care who. Please be inspired and live a great life!

With committing and focus, there needs to be putting the time into doing what's required and that part isn't always fun. That's where it gets most people and separates the men from the boys. It was funny to make someone mad and he messaged me, tough "Guy". So every guy out there, who may be between being "The Man" and boy feel inspired!

Getting Into Right Mindset

I'm really blessed to have a job and on top of that, for it to be a family business, it means so much to me. I give credit to the Lord for allowing me to be in that wonderful position. Yet, I'm looking to break away for reasons of proving to myself that I could make it on my own. The business model is a rather basic one and been improving itself over the years through luck and hard work. My dad struck gold when he led the company to score some huge clients and ever since taking off about five years ago, it's been stressing over managing to keep profiting and not losing anything. The employees are chill and they love this environment and also how much the owners really treat all of us as extended family. It's like a place of belonging and having a membership and on top of that, collecting a cool paycheck to support their own families. There's been a few odd apples at this company but for the most part, it's had great retention of the same workers.

My dad and relatives invested smart into this business, and they made a hard decision which had so many ups and downs. Yet, for it to now be in the position it is at, my dad has learned so many things about this industry and he's been teaching me some tools of the trade. It's about maintaining company growth at a moderate pace. I'm not quite geared to take over this company and possibly, it could be led by my oldest cousins and only sister at this company in the future. Actually, my sister doesn't know about her future here, but she really would love to settle down more with the love of her life, which my dad is against. I honestly don't think there's anything Biblical to go against it, except that she should focus her life more on Jesus, but choosing a really tall dude who happens to be such a sweet teddy bear with fast metabolism and has a stable and strong family upbringing is wise, even though he's white, wouldn't one think?

I guess we all have anger issues that sometimes just don't resolve itself and it's always going to have a remnant of what we said and did in the past. We can poke all fun about it or insult others behind their backs to get whatever off out chests, but there's also the case of them being annoying while having to be the one to listen through all of it and not giving any opposition to it, which I found myself in so many times and it sucked and made me mad, especially when this guy started talking trash about a lady who I worked with behind her back. She was annoying and talking about how she wanted a man to marry while working by herself but the guy wasn't being a gentleman and that made me really mad and that led to me hurting his feelings by talking about how he was an idiot for leaving his family after his dad passed away from cancer on a similar blog like this one.

I didn't understand the rift between us that occurred at the time, but Washington was just being a selfish idiot who wanted to be happy and wasn't satisfied with what he had. His girlfriend was such a doll to others, but she had so much anger issues like a wife with him and maybe he just got tired of the commitment with her just like it happens with other relationships and wanted to resort to cheating. I believe that he broke her heart and he's a true American butthead with an American name of Washington from a Chinese family. He made up a Facebook profile and called himself Wing Chun too with a popular actor's face, which now I think is actually funny. Oh well, it took me awhile to resolve all of this for just myself because I was the one to set it aside a lot and push forward with my other psychological issues and keep trying to make progress with myself as I am still doing now.

Hey at least with Washington, I can be proud that I scared his knockers off and that he almost wanted to pee in his pants with me. He ended up accusing me of being a terrorist to one of my old friends who I haven't talked to in awhile. Pete's a good friend with actually some useful ideas to give worth some consideration. Washington also went for a useless restraining order against me and in the end, it fell out and after seeing him a few times after the incident, I had so much anger issues of wanting to punch him in the face that I had to refrain myself from talking to him. This is where I learned my ultimate trick which was full and honest, brutal honesty like it is.  

Reaching After My Goals

It looks like my main, earthly focus is earning a living just like the majority in this planet does. If I'm not able to reach a personal goal at this time, then it probably means that I can't get to it yet and I'm going to need to take some baby steps to get there. Instead of three basic things for me accomplish, now I have six!

1. Practice Biblical living
2. Make money
3. Exercise
4. Cook
5. Keep personal hygiene
6. Plan to socialize with friends / cute girls (yeah!)

I'm eventually going to settle down with a family and maybe I'll have to adopt at this rate from becoming so much of an old fart and maybe even marrying a lady who won't be able to have babies anymore. I seem to be more attracted to ladies who look great and are around my own age for some reason and going too young just feels out of place for me.

On the bright side of marrying while old and also another old lady who is actually hot, yeah, having sex will be fun I suppose. We'll just have to keep our energy levels up and no kids to worry about because her reproductive system could be done! I don't care about adopting at that point while continuously having great sex, so yeah, we'll stay one loving and happy family. I don't mind welcoming another kid and giving some guidance to him or her.

Man, this is a little hard for me right now to not laugh. I'm not stressing about this whole marriage thing while staying a virgin but my parents are for sure! They also want me to marry a Korean lady. If she's hot and sexually energetic which probably won't be and not meaning to diss my own race, but yeah, I'm not expecting another hot Korean lady to be that way in general with me. I'm just going to have to ask out girls who I feel a connection to and some attraction and if they are available. I don't really care about getting over being rejected for any reason, even if that makes me mad or sad. Whatever, man, I'll get over it and keep working on myself.

Making the Most Out of Life

From being a lot older these days, I've made some really bad decisions from not thinking through things properly. It's like I lose patience and estimate wrong then I find out something, which turns out to suck out the fun. It's basically experiencing failure. I believe it happens, and this is where it comes down to building resiliency and considering if it's worth it or not.

This is probably what keeps me from making these cool decisions. It's from planning a lot in my head, but never having enough to follow through with all of it. It gets pretty hard, so I just managed to barely figure out how to re-organize myself. Having friends is great, and I seriously don't have that many. I guess it's just normal with where I'm at. Maybe, I'm just looking at the wrong place and the answer should really be about more Jesus.

From thinking about it, I see myself actually wanting to work really hard and contribute to offering some of my time and effort to support great ministries and even wonderful charities. I can see that it really feels good out of having just a generous heart. It doesn't have to be returned and that's where it's hard for a lot of people I guess to accept. I'm just one of those types who gets over that mess.

I just want to live out my life to the fullest and not get sucked into something that later on feels not that great for having done it. I make those mistakes constantly and even with the same things repetitiously. I have to now consider the positives and negatives because I believe that  I can be resilient, but I would like to be happy at least while being that type of person.

My decisions are really going to have to be about making wise choices. It's like going after really seeing how things are from peeking through small cracks and windows that are available to dig through. 

Thinking About Proper Results

I'm starting to think about how there really is a negative and positive to think with everything going on in this world. Especially when it comes to making choices, sitting there and being able to think it through is what makes it important. Being in the moment, it's just so easy to get swept away and go after something that could be against better judgement.

I'm now starting to take it from an emotional view as well now. First off, I truly believe living in the Lord's ways found through studying the whole Bible is a blessing. To be a follower of the true living God, it's really a wonderful feeling! I'm really joyful and happy even while I'm going through stuff that suck like feeling bored with doing something and not making the most out of the time given to you.

What I'm basically proposing is that by thinking about a goal you have in mind, it's to think about both the positive and the negatives. If the negatives are something you can handle, then yeah I think it's okay to go for the goal. Otherwise, the decision or little action you take part of should be avoided despite your body saying you want to. 

One Word For Moving On

For all the people who ticked me off because of my diva tendencies to want to feel attended to by just adding me as a friend and refused to do that or later on removed me as a friend to really tick me off because of those psychotic emotions and then push me further to bother them because they didn't want to accept my ranting with them continuously from being so annoying to them, I have only one word for them. Dumb!

A few people got it by not doing anything. A girl in fact just took it all in with me and she admitted to being scared of me too in person. Boy that girl is I don't know what to say; she's a little peculiar and tries to be geeky and go all out crazy as a cover to have fun with the crowd. She's kind of hollow in other words and what bothers her is funny too so I have to say that in the end, I love her and she can be annoying like a sister, too.

I've learned to hold in my uncontrollable and psychotic emotions better and to stay nice in the end from being great friends with cute girls! It's simple as that for moving on after using one word for those people. Dumb!

Stuff I Need To Repent Of

I honestly think now that it isn't really about focusing on my bad parts and trying to improve them. It's really about turning my full undivided attention to having a happy relationship with Jesus- not any Mexicans but Yeshua Hamashiach or being shortened down, it becomes Jesus! To be clear for anybody lazy to not think about how I'm trying to be funny, I'm referring to Jesus of Nazareth found in the New Testament. Yeah, I'm a believer and also a follower but not very good at it I suppose after all these years. I realize I'm a mess with living the ideal Christian life.

It's about studying the pages in the whole Bible so I could have a meaningful walk and fellowship with God. He can speak to us directly from reading Scriptures and from having help with the Holy Spirit and other great teachers out there. We can't agree with everything amongst each other, but the main goal that we all can agree upon as Christians is that Jesus died and rose again to atone us of our sins which could lead us to eternal separation from the loving and only omnipotent God of the universe! By believing upon that, God the Father who arts in heaven intends on having fellowship with mankind.

The crazy stuff that I get myself into like cursing around nobody but at my steering wheel before I start hitting the road and reflecting on how I think Annie the old leader from Hope of God Church in Los Angeles is stupid and I used to have a crush on her, yeah, it's a long sentence- I can't believe I used to like her man and it drives me crazy thinking about that still to this day. Yeah, these issues are now popping up and I can spot some wrongs that could make them look bad, so it only made sense with them telling me how they think I'm very smart that they would want me to stay quiet about their negative side out of human nature to be selfish. It also wasn't that serious, so they weren't being pleasant about it and imagine something super serious, then yeah, it's so crazy and things like going to be blown up in smoke.

The great side is that I'm not afraid to speak the truth now and everything going inside of me. To be transparent in other words, it's been really healthy for me. I'm not afraid of getting shot by a terrorist either from speaking my mind to him. Heck, maybe I could convince him to turn to Jesus or be friends with the Mexican named Jesus that he caught along side with me. Okay, whatever and enjoy the laughs!

My viewing of pornography and sexuality is controversial and in a sexual gray area. Meaning, I don't believe in fornication and lusting after a porn star or a really beautiful girl just for the sake of bedding her. I don't care about those things, but at the same time, I've been exploring my sexual organs and yeah, that's just too much to talk about. I really need to love a girl first before I feel somewhat fully aroused sometimes and then I also need to marry her before I go for getting it on all night long but only if she wants to. This is why I need to keep on meeting girls with similar sexual energy that I compose which is hardly anybody because yeah, try keeping up with me since I'm a dude. Certainly and well it's possible but if she's more and wants more than yeah, it's going to be both good and bad on certain days. I can live with that and don't mind because I won't be missing any action when I crave some, so yeah, I just need to find one of those girls who are beautiful and I can connect with now and they dig me as well which is going to be hard.

What I'm looking for is very picky and particular in the area of finding a life sexual partner. I'm finding myself drawn more away and to porn from the reason of never concluding my sexual stuff. What I really need to do is put my focus more on Scriptures and Jesus. The answer really is more Jesus through spending time with studying the Word.

Winning Attitude

I'm starting to get people a little more and can actually feel them. Having a popular social media should be about entertaining appeal, convenience, and connection with the family, friends, or acquaintances who are involved. All this time, I have struggled with this while wanting it, but reflecting back on it now since I'm like back on my feet; I can't make it a big priority anymore.

It's expected of a guy like me to stay really smart and nice. The fact that I haven't settled down yet gets a little on people's nerves. I have been controversial as well, and it's funny because of my height. I'm only 5' 3" and the losers I have been affecting don't care about that and want to keep on complaining while feeling negative energy and just going crazy because it's too much for them to bear. They don't see it with themselves like I am able to now.

Some friends I have on Facebook are charming individuals. It's cool to have stable and nice friends dig some of my posts and even still stick with me when I post some naughty and weird ones that usually scare a Facebook friend or two away. I think it's just from putting them in a bad mood and or just not feeling it anymore with me or even in the mood for being selfish but cool in their own world that they can feel a self-inflated sense of worth. I don't really see them like that anyway, so out of convenience I should just find better people I like to fill up my Facebook page. The cool adage goes for me and keeps me staying in the hunt for success, "Just be yourself."

Full Effort

Just now I have decided from realizing some negative outcomes in the past, I can't include my buddy anymore for my future game development plans. He doesn't really agree with mainstream and to me, it would mean being able to bring in money. He has a way of over judging something from the cover and then sets that into motion which aggravates me. The things that he is into only really appeal to him selfishly and some things do connect with him. He's just a very particular guy and doesn't really lead much of a social life and isn't academically gifted and resorts to trying to outsmart people to make a living, but can't do that consistently either.

My judgement of him after knowing him a long time is that he will continually seek for something that he will never obtain full satisfaction with for his whole entire life. Therefore, he might know how to cope with his depression from being selfish and unyielding to his personal opinions. It's really annoying because he hates admitting to being possibly wrong and when he is, he doesn't want to really reflect on it and form another unstable thing in his head with the same issue I spot with him. I have to distance myself from him because he's turned that into a habit and is dragging me below with him. I guess having around a normal looking guy who cares so much about outward presentation but can get mentally unstable from interacting with people which results in him trying to stay nice about it until he's left should be okay to invite to birthday parties or celebrations because I've known him so long.

Awkward Post It Notes

I planned on using these small post it notes to show up the people at Hope of God Church in Los Angeles a long time ago and I kept it to myself. I think I let Oyuri know about this on Facebook and she freaked out with her responses and all I remember that made me mad was that she called me psycho. I ended up blocking her on Facebook. I also messaged her after creating another fake account to make fun of her and laugh at her hard to get out my anger issues, so yeah, now if I see her I have to talk to her about it. I messaged her to stay away from me, so hope she gets the picture and never comes across visiting that church in LA ever again.

Here's the notes I wrote, I just don't see why I saw myself doing this. It's pretty bad. I think I'll just do it to self-deprecate myself and do whatever since I'm delaying my visit with that church anyway. I don't care what people think and I'm not asking for anyone's opinion about it and will get them off my back as well about it while making fun of them and getting them to look bad to others while dealing with me.

This is the message:

1st Post It: Why you study "and like so crazy" 
                     Bible, 
               John 10:27
                      Psalm 37:4
              ... stand on promises of God. Not about
             puffed up knowledge with right intent.

2nd Post It: Jesus can relate to
                   everyone. I was
                   confused about personal
                   attacks. You don't always
                  respect.

3rd Post It: There's a time
                   to stop worrying.
                  Look at big picture,
                  I stayed away.
                 For 4 months now. Gee, I
                wonder now about you.

4th Post It: I admire you,
                   big sister. Sorry,
                   can't come to 
                   Seattle this year.

5th Post It: Thanks for trying
                  to be eager about
                  being supportive.

6th Post It: Stay refreshed in 
                   the word. Don't get
                   mad, before butting in.

                       

Superbowl Sunday

I really would like to see the Patriots lose, but I think they are winning again this year. It's pretty simple in that I have a girl's house to go watch at it and we are good buddies and do all the hanging out and stuff. She's cute too and hey it's cool to be like part of their family. For the time being, as I figure out how to make a lot of money and maintain my confidence from being shorter than some women I'm attracted to, it's not a big gig to go along with right now. I'm just literally just being myself and transparent about things with people lately, so it seems to not get me in trouble.

There are paranoid people out there who I can make not feel that comfortable with me, so yeah, I guess I should really let it out this time if it's really on my mind. Since I smack talked a few people online, so if I ever come across them then yeah, I have to pretend that I care and talk about it to the point that I go after making them look bad because they are going to come across like that in general. It's just the nature of the beast!

Untitled Poem

Distant star which shines the brightest.
Flowery scent that grows and never leaves the heart.
Any exchanging of words feel like submissive joyful moments.
A dove will desirably sit on a hyssop branch for a lifetime.
Even during hourly investments, the heart yearns for you to accept his commitment.

Stirring doubts were portrayed by another blinded soul who would have heralded you if his were satisfactions weren't lost.
Your beauty is like wildfire waiting to be rekindled.
Your heart's patience, diligence, and innocence fill the atrocious with generosity.

Sticking To It

I have always been someone who really takes time to plan things to happen, but they always never manage to fully occur the way I imagined them. Two things could probably be the reason why- first, it's not knowing enough and secondly, it's just not wanting to follow through with it!

It does get annoying to spend a good portion of the day sometimes and add another of your busy life to sit there and put together a schedule for something cool you have set aside and then have it just go to waste by letting yourself run into something. I think that occurs for me more often than not having enough experience about my daily affairs!

It's just going to have to be personal discipline and commitment. I'll just try to follow through with it even though 9 voices out of my 10 thoughts say it's wrong to go with this action. Well, in that case I will probably bail then, but that's not the point I'm talking about! It's just from feeling overwhelmed like a pansy and not doing anything. Just sitting there and letting time go to waste or just not knowing what to do and feeling stuck while watching something that was cool but has something that sucks about it, but then it goes away and you are glued back to it again. It's those experiences that when it just keeps adding up, then life starts to feel like it sucks and you just want to do something to fix it! It's in those cases that I need to put myself back on the move and go for getting it done.

Planning has its benefits though because it allows you to analyze future things and to prepare for those beforehand. I guess then this ties into how I want to enjoy my future life then. For the first part, my parents are pretty lame about who I should marry. I'm going to have to stick to playing it safe and I have a good idea where to go with it now.

Self-Motivation

I was just thinking in my head about something silly and how another person might want to think and shout in his head with cuss words that he is losing his freaking mind! I was thinking about designing a pornographic video game and that person who felt was going crazy is probably me but buried underneath all these virtual dimensions of me and that doesn't spread out so far that I'm still in the me of the real world. Basically, my sanity isn't worth losing for making a quick buck. I think it's stupid because I would think it's funny and a little erotic at the same time, but there's just something wrong about it to my personal beliefs tied to living as a believer of Jesus being my savior. I want to show God some love and faithful obedience by going for crazy, consistent, and ultra sex in marriage! Yeah, I'll show how fun being married to the hottest girl in the world can be.

My parents would be like she has to be Korean and if she's butt ugly who cares, you fulfilled your expected duty to get married for our legacy. I'm like, screw it to them and who cares if I'm rich because I'll go for a clean girl who makes me happy and me back to her and that we actually are compatible sexually, so if that makes my parents go into the mental hospital then it's really on them for raising me for being such a bad son!

My mom already accepts my belief that she didn't invest enough of her personal time with me and I let her know that a few times what the ramifications meant for me. I think because she simply kept telling me lightheartedly that it didn't matter with being short and her making fun of people I know because of their height, it was driving me crazy because it felt like girls would be rejecting me because of how I saw my physical height. My mom didn't tell me directly that girls would be doing this to me and how to get by it.

It's annoying because my mother isn't that smart as she advertised herself to being. I sort of figured out that it's about getting used to accepting how things are and to have the rare gift of being able to stay consistent while continually working on yourself and coming across the right people in your life.

This basically ties into my belief of self-motivation. When you are looking for everyone to give you a high five and motivate you to keep doing something because it makes them happy, it's not happening at all. I'm talking about having crazy fans who care about you and them willing to go out of their way- like devotees. Maybe, I was secretly looking for that connection to happen, but it drives me crazy! So what am I thinking to have wanted all of that?

The self-motivation is about maintaining a self-confidence of knowing what makes you happy and idea of what you need to work on. It's about having a positive goal in mind that reaches the highest ideals of your plateau and believing you can reach it.

One of my buddies expresses how he's an idiot so feels like he's compromising with his situations and he talks stupid a bunch of times and that I had to walk out of his dumb world from getting fed up with him seeing things selfishly. He probably had something in mind with obtaining for himself dealing with people but failed to receive and is afraid of what others will be doing to him because of this knowledge and paranoia he has, so he's acting in that manner. He's also complaining about people who have better resources than him as out to get him, so he must have planned something that came out looking selfish whether he wanted it or not and just repressed it out of his mind because of the situation being so overwhelming to him. All of this as well is something he doesn't want to accept even though it's really me cracking down upon his thought patterns lately. I have mentioned this in way to understand for him and he's like "I know." He will still put all of his energy on what's bothering him, so in this case I can't be of support to him anymore and he really doesn't have anybody to begin with, so he's just going to have to realize it on his own which is certainly impossible from having an inferiority complex because he felt dumb while studying at school and not getting good grades, while being jealous of his siblings doing better than him and calling them so lucky. He's a pretty weird one and also conflicted but I now give up with trying to force him to have a stable mind and have to think of him as a stubborn person who doesn't want any therapeutic treatment. I'll just be honest with him for my own sanity and it's up to him if he wants to accept what I believe about him or not and then I'm not going to persuade and this is hard in that, I have to hold in my anger towards him and not put in more energy to convince him that my path is more correct than his. It's not my life that he's living so he's his own soul, whether the poor guy is doomed or not in the end and I'll be sad if he doesn't make it to heaven with me before I forget him after I'm dead.